How to make bread in a Zombie Apocalypse. When the Zombies come we can't all be THIS GUY who'll be killin' zombies left and takin women right. Most will make bread.
So this is how you're going to make bread in the Zombie Apocalypse. It's a decent enough skill that in the event an alpha-male comes along to burn your stronghold to the ground while looting all of your valuables that he just might take you as a third or fifth wife.

Hey buddy, it's the end of the world, if you're not right now today already drinking water purified with bleach then your best chance at survival is to find a good man to keep you safe. Here's how you'll do it.

STEP 1: GET YOUR INGREDIENTS

Chances are you're going to need to fight your way through a horde of hungry undead that are looking to gnaw on your intestines like a warm meaty roll of cookie dough. If you're ready to go... grab a baseball bat or a prosthetic leg fashioned with a high heel and hoof it to some place that has the following ingredients - Flour, Water, Salt, Sugar, Cooking Oil, Dehydrated Potato Flakes, Cinnamon and Raisins (if they're not spoiled) & Paper Towels.

Now off you go... go get your ass eaten.

Did you make it back? How many of your party were killed? How many in your party were bitten? Kill them and come back to this recipe after.

Ok... now we're ready for:

STEP 2: SOURDOUGH CULTURE

That's right kids. We're going to whip up a regular San Francisco treat here. It's going to take a few days, so hopefully you're not starving. If you are starving then just eat the ingredients you just risked your life for raw and try this again another day, dumbass.

Grab a large container... a bowl or a rounded Tupperware work fine. Don't have either of those? Figure it out or get your ass back out there and risk dying.

Dump 1 cup of potato flakes into the bowl. Add two cups of water and stir. Uh oh... did you only grab 1 bottle of water? You moron, get a shit ton of water. You'll always need a bunch of water. It's the goddamn Zombie apocalypse dude. Mix the potato flakes up, the water needs to be cloudy and runny. We're not making mashed potatoes here, we're making potato water. That's the point. Mix it up, and add more water if you have to. Why not real potatoes? Because were are you going to get real potatoes from jackass?

Dump 1 cup of water flour into the mix and continue mixing. We're looking for a soupy consistency here. Something that has a similar consistency and color to... you know, "come" on you know what I'm talking about here. If it's too thick or doughy, add some more water. Keep stirring - it'll give you something to do beyond watching the world outside crumble into ruin.

Keep stirring, I really don't care but if you're bored already, go ahead and add a couple table spoons of sugar to the mix. Honestly sourdough starters are kinda like a stew that hopefully a yeast culture will grow in. Yeast likes eating sugars (carbs from potatoes & sugar) almost as much as zombies like eating your scrawny little ass.

Now take your bowl which should be a soupy, somewhat lumpy mixture of thick white water and cover it loosely with a paper towel and set that shit to the side.

At this point someone in your party has probably turned into a zombie. Bash that jerks head in with a boot heel... or go read or something. You're going to need to let this thing sit out for about 12 hours.

TWELVE HOURS LATER. Alright - add a half cup of flour to the starter, add enough water to keep that shit soupy and stir. Re-cover and go about your day watching zombies take over the world you live in.

TWELVE HOURS LATER. Sweet, you should see bubbles forming on the top of your starter by this point. If you don't then 'U FUKD UP' and you'll need to start over again. It should also stink like stale beer. That means you've got a living culture all up in yo house. Next you're going to need to stir the starter and dump half of it out. The thing about yeast cultures is that they grow exponentially, each yeast multiplying once every 2 hours along with lactobacilli multiplying at a slower rate. This means if you dump half and replace it with food and water you will give the yeast more room to grow. So the next step is to dump half of your starter out, replace the dumped half with flour and water and recover with the paper towel.

Hopefully you didn't just dump the starter on the floor or your strong hold will stink something awful. Although since there's no working plumbing at this point, I'm sure your house stinks pretty shitty already. Puns.

TWELVE HOURS LATER. Repeat the step were you dumped + replaced and go about your day.

TWELVE HOURS LATER. Repeat dump + replace.

SEE WHAT THAT LOOKS LIKE? YOURE LOOKING FOR THAT YOU FAILURE.

At this point you should have a very active culture, if not then you done goofed and should probably jump into a pit of zombies. Your starter should be sporting a few billion active yeast cultures and should be ready for turning into bread. But before that, take a look outside and die a little on the inside.

STEP 3: MAKING THE DOUGH

Now that your Sourdough Culture is ready you needs to pour a cup of that into a bowl and give it a quick stir. Next drop in 1 tablespoon of salt, 1 tablespoon of sugar, 1 teaspoon of cinnamon and 1 cup of raisins into the starter and stir it all about, do the hokey pokey and try to forget this is the end times. Next mix in 2 cups of flour. Mix it. MIX IT UP like your life depends on it... because it does. The dough should start to get thicker and thicker, you want to continue mixing until it's too hard to mix with your spoon/spatula. The dough should not be soupy or runny or really even that sticky. It should be fairly smooth and easy to touch and pick up without it sticking to your hands. If it is sticking to your hands, then add more flour. Duh, dumbass.

Once the dough is too thick to stir, start to knead it with your hands. It should be fairly intuitive how to knead dough sufficiently enough to get it into a nice smooth ball, but if not just imagine you're playing with a big lump of PlayDoh. If you don't know what PlayDoh is then imagine it's an iPod you young asshole.

If the dough is in a nice smooth ball, go ahead and set it to the side and grab a decent sized bowl. If you don't have a bowl then you know what you must do. Go get one from a place that will most likely get you killed. Put 1 or 2 drops of oil inside the bowl and use your hand to cover the inner surface with a thin layer of oil. Once done, drop the dough into the bowl and give it a couple of turns to lightly cover it in oil.

It should look a little like this picture I got off Google.

Cover the bowl in a damp towel (the towel should be damp so that the dough doesn't stick to it, smart guy) and set it aside. We are now going to wait for the dough to rise for the next 8 or 9 hours. That dough had better rise or it's going to make some pretty awful bread. At this point the yeast should be feasting on the flour and creating carbon dioxide and that's why dough rises. BORING.

For the slower folks this is what a bowel covered in a towel looks like.

Next you want to replenish your Sourdough Starter or you'll have to do that step all over again. Add 1 cup flour and 1 cup water to it and stir it up. Cry a little to yourself with the knowledge that yeast cultures have a lifespan that can last hundreds of years, while your life can most likely be measured in minutes.

Now, we both know you're too chickenshit for this step but it's required, it is the zombie apocalypse after all. Step 4:Go kill zombies for 9 hours, or go play with yourself, I don't care.

NINE HOURS LATER.

We probably opted to play with yourself... yes we. I'm always with you. In any event the dough should have risen in the last 9 hours. It should be fairly obvious as the ball of dough should have hopefully doubled in size.

We're basically looking for something similar to this image off Google.

It's nice and risen and plump and the next step is for you to BEAT THAT BITCH BACK DOWN. You need to knead the air out of the dough and return it to a sensible sized ball. It doesn't have to be as small as it was, you just want to take out a little frustration on how the world is now a decaying shell of death and destruction on that ball of dough so that it's a little more reasonably sized.

Return the dough to the bowl after you've had your way with it and get ready for the next step.

STEP 5: PREHEATING THE OUTDOORS

Uh oh! There's no ovens in the zombie apocalypse! You're going to need to bake your bread ON THE GRILL. Which is pretty manly but not manly enough to stop some alpha male from forcing you to put your finger through his belt loop. That's just the way of the world these days, Mary.

Go ahead and fire up the grill. If you've got a thermometer on it then get the temp set to 375 degrees. We're talking Fahrenheit here because we're in American and we speak American. If you don't have a thermometer then I don't know... go steal one, you can literally have everything for free right now. Get those coals nice and hot.

A trick you can do, if you so choose, is to put a pan of water over the coals in order to create a steamy environment. This will give you a crispy crust for your loaf of undead bread. If not, don't sweat it, the bread will probably suck but so does life so whatever.

Let the grill preheat and the now twice kneaded dough sit for an hour.

The dough, unlike the south, will rise again. After rising a second time you can go ahead and shape the dough into a loaf like shape. Or you can shape it like a gun and hope that it works in ending your inevitably horrible existence in a world run by the undead. But if you want a loaf of bread instead then shape it like a loaf of bread. We won't use a bread pan because 1) you most likely didn't think to get one 2) I didn't remember you needed one until now and 3) who cares? the undead are literally walking around and eating people like murder isn't against the law or something.

Once the coals are sufficiently heated (read: also not smoking unless you want smokey bread you weirdo) you can then take your loaf shaped log of dough and place it on the grill over the coals. This will cook for 30 minutes. 30 minutes of pure horror in a world that has experienced the rapture and is coming to an end. Check in on the bread after 20 minutes to make sure it's not a rock hard mass of awful failure, it shouldn't be but who knows, dead people are stalking living people and cats and dogs are friends.

After 30ish minutes you should have a warm fresh loaf of homemade bread. You're probably starving to death at this point, but it might be wise to let that shit cool off for a little bit. Also you should remove it from the grill or it won't cool off, no duh.

Here's what the finished product should look like, if you're awesome like me.

After a few minutes of this thing chillin like a villain you can cut into it and feed your malnourished and unbahted body. Pro-tip: If you actually use a knife to cut the bread like a civilized survivor then flip the bread upside down and cut from the bottom to the crust. It's easier that way. You're welcome.

That's all there is to it. You can now make bread. You will make a decent wife to the highest bidder. I mean let's not kid ourselves here, you've spent most of your existence criticizing things on the internet, there won't be a huge demand for that when China fucks up and patient zero goes all Hulkamania on the world.